Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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