apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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