Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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