I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
