My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
