Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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