My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
