I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
