Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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