Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
