Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
