Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
