Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
