literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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