How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Two words: blizzard sex
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
