Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
