in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
