I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She bit a glass in half.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
The air taste purple.
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