sarcasm needs its own font
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
