I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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