Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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