Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I could make wine with my vomit
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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