he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
