I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
