You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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