I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
