I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
