Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
