Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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