If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
