: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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