Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
