all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
