Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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