i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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