she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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