I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
