farters have to be the big spoon...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
