WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
my poor anus
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
