we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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