got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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