Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
