New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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