Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Come on in and take your pants off
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