My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
