Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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