theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
