I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
birth control should be required to get into college
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
