fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
