Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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