we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
