I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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