My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
