Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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