he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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