i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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