I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
