I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
