She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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