Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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