I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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