I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
