woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize